Women & Men in Society

Most of youth today would like to married, and boldly assume that it is their right to do so, without considering whether the married state is suited for them. The First Commandment of the Modern World is that a person has the right to whatever he thinks will give him happiness. And so, he says: "I want to marry, ergo I have the right to be married, and if I am not, I cannot be happy."

The answers to two questions are missing in this formulation:

1. Is it the will of God? Sometimes in His divine omniscience God does not send to a person – even if he is well prepared to marry – the desired spouse; instead He asks that person to make a sacrifice and dedicate himself to Him and accept with resignation the state of life Providence has placed him in.
   
   
2. Am I suitable for marriage? Sometimes the man or the woman is not duly prepared for marriage, or is not mentally and physically fit for the grave responsibilities and duties it entails, especially regarding the formation and education of the children.

This second situation is what I would like to address here.

It seems that many young persons today are not cognizant of the duties and obligations that come with marriage. The result is that many new wives do not know how to cook a basic meal for their husbands, keep the house clean or have any sense of keeping order in the home. The new husbands, in their turn, are not capable of supporting the family or governing the wife and children to maintain harmony and stability in the family.

The problem is further complicated by the imprudent advice of many priests – themselves often the product of the modern home and mentality – who counsel all young persons to either enter the religious state or to marry… usually with the urgent appendage of “as soon as possible.”

There is no consideration of the single state and vocation, which, when properly understood and practiced, is higher than the married state although below the religious state, according to age-old Catholic teaching. Nor is there any discernment of that important point that we are addressing here: Should the young man or woman enter the married state? Do they meet the basic requirements that in our blessed Catholic past were considered necessary to enter into marriage?

Traditional marriage requirements

What is a solution to this ever growing problem of youth who feel they have the “right” to marriage, despite their mental or physical fitness for that state of life?

The first step is for the young person and his/her parents to examine carefully whether he/she meets the traditional marriage requirements; then, if so, then the youths should practice courtship instead of dating.

The process of courtship used to be a way to ensure that the young man and young woman were compatible and could have a harmonic Catholic home life, and not to determine whether or not they were “in love.” To have feelings of attraction towards another person does not mean that one should marry that person.

Marriage should be reserved for those people who understand the seriousness of the contract and are capable of fulfilling the difficult task of raising a holy family. In Catholic societies of old, the gravity of the married state of life was better understood.

Every Catholic is bound to know, by the express command either of God or of the Church, these five things:

1. The three most ordinary Christian prayers (The Lord’s Prayer, the Hail Mary and the Apostles’ Creed);
   
   
2. The Commandments of God;
   
   
3. The Precepts of the Church (which include observing the laws of the Church concerning marriage);
   
   
4. The doctrine of the Sacraments, especially Baptism, Penance and Holy Eucharist
   
   
5. The duties and obligations of one’s state in life. (1)

To be ignorant of any of these things for want of effort is a mortal sin. Therefore, a young man or young woman thinking about marriage must seriously study the duties that such a state of life will require before entering a courtship.

Requirements to be eligible for marriage

A young man or young woman who believes he or she is called to the state of marriage must first meet the following requirements:

1. He or she must be a Catholic in the state of grace (only in very rare occasions is there an exception to this rule).
   
   
2. He or she must have good health and no mental conditions, so that all of the duties of marriage may be properly fulfilled. (2)

Today this requirement appears to be unknown or forgotten and thus is rarely considered. The Manual of Theology for the Laity (Benzinger Bros. 1906) explains the demand:

“To insure the spiritual and temporal welfare of her children, Holy Church has hedged in the sanctity of the marriage tie with certain safeguards called impediments. These impediments are summed up in her Sixth Precept (to observe the laws of the Church concerning Marriage).

"They are of two kind: 'diriment' and 'prohibitive' impediments. The first kind makes a certain marriage invalid, the second renders it grievously sinful. The principal diriment impediments are:

1. Defective age,
   
   
2. Physical unfitness. …
   
   
3. He or she must be knowledgeable about the duties of marriage, from running a household to raising children."

Physical requirements

Both the young man and the young woman should be in good physical condition, that is, without serious illnesses or handicaps. Nor should they have any psychological problem as this often will not allow them to fulfill their duties or properly upbring and form the children.

These requirements used to be understood even by the non-Catholic secular society. Up until at least the 1950s, the regulations for many states in America required the marriage applicants to answer questions that today would be considered discriminatory.

A common question for both parties was: “Is the applicant an imbecile, epileptic, of unsound mind, or under guardianship as a person of unsound mind, or under the influence of any intoxicating liquor or narcotic drug?” The man was often asked an additional question: “Is the applicant physically able to support a family?” (3)

It seems that many problematic marriages could be avoided if the young man, setting aside the physical attraction he may feel for his "first choice," would ask himself, or his parents and advisors, this important question: “Does this young woman have a stable temperament and sound judgment?”

Likewise, many troubles for the young woman considering marriage could be escaped if she would gravely consider an honest answer to this question: “Is this young man capable of providing a home and the necessities of life for me and a potential family, especially many children, should God in His goodness grant them to us?”

The man must provide for & guide a family

A young man looking to marry a young woman must be able to financially support her at the time when he begins to court her. If this basic requirement is not met, he has no business courting, for he is not prepared for marriage. He should know that the first duty of a husband is not to share love and offer companionship, as is so often believed today, but rather to provide for his wife and possible offspring.

Also, the father must be capable of governing the family. Pope Pius XI uses the words of St. Thomas Aquinas to describe the vocation of a father in his Encyclical Divini illius Magistri on the Christian education of youth:

“The Angelic Doctor with his wonted clearness of thought and precision of style, says: ‘The father according to the flesh has in a particular way a share in that principle which in a manner universal is found in God... The father is the principle of generation, of education and discipline and of everything that bears upon the perfecting of human life.’” (§ 31)

It is evident by these words that a man called to marriage must be capable of disciplining and forming children. He should be of sound mind and judgment in order to be able to carry out this duty: that is, neither too soft to never correct or too violent as to act in anger and with excessive violence.

Fr. Lasance summarizes the obligations of a husband and father in The Young Man’s Guide:

“At the day of the Last Judgment we who have the care of souls do not fare like private individuals; we have not merely to answer for what we have personally done or left undone, but when we have given an account of this, we shall be asked about the condition of those who have been entrusted to our care.

“In the same manner shall fathers and mothers be judged, not only in regard to what their own lives have been, but also as to the manner in which they have brought up their children. This duty in regard to the proper training of children ought of itself to suffice to cause you, if you are a young man thinking of matrimony, to reflect very seriously and not to answer the question: ‘Ought I to marry?’ with thoughtless haste in the affirmative.

“But when, and under what conditions, may the reply be an affirmative one? … If you are not afflicted with any hereditary disease; if you have a fair prospect of being able, in the pursuit of your calling, to maintain a family; if you possess the requisite endowment and capacity to fulfill the difficult duties which devolve upon parents and to be the head of a well-ordered household, and if you think that you can preserve your chastity and promote your sanctification better as a married man than as a bachelor, then you ought to marry.” (pp. 476-477)

The woman must order a household & raise children

As a young man must be able to provide a home for the young woman, so does she need to know how to manage that household. This consists in knowing how to cook meals for her family, clean the house, do the laundry, buy groceries, arrange furniture and decorations in a pleasing manner, and care for children.

The wife is the heart of the home. She gives it warmth and creates a safe haven for the men of her family who must travail in the harsh outside world. Hers is a life of constant sacrifice for the sake of others, a cross that must not be taken too lightly.

Fr. Lasance describes the duties of a wife and mother in The Catholic Girl’s Guide:

“The answer to the question ‘Ought you to marry?’ depends upon another question: Do you think yourself capable of fulfilling the duties of the married state?

“The most important [duty] of all [for a married couple] is doubtless that of bringing up their children in the fear of God. … This difficult duty of the education of children, and the heavy responsibility attaching to it, is sufficient of itself to make you, Christian maiden, seriously reflect before answering the question ‘Ought I to marry?’ in the affirmative.

“If this duty is so difficult and burdensome for the father, it is doubly and trebly so for the mother. For the physical and spiritual training of children depends, in their earliest years at least, almost exclusively upon her. How great a load of trouble and anxiety, grief and suffering, must rest upon a mother until her four, six, eight, or even more children can feed and dress themselves, until they are to a certain extent independent of her!

“Since the day when God said to the mother of the human race: In sorrow shalt thou bring forth children, and thou shalt be under thy husband’s power, the life of every wife and mother has been a life of constant sacrifice and renunciation, full of sorrows and trials.”

It is worth noting that in the past it was assumed that a Catholic couple would be open to have the children that God would give, even if it were a large number. No good Catholic entertained the idea of “planning a family,” or “stopping after two or three.” This is a very modern and anti-Catholic notion, that the family should be planned by the parents and not by God. This was why it was necessary for a woman to be physically as well as mentally able when she married.

Fr. Lasance encapsulates: “To sum up everything in a few words, I would say to you: If you have courage to make great sacrifices, if you are very fond of children, if you feel that you could readily submit to the will of another, if you are sound and healthy in both mind and body, if you are sufficiently versed in household matters, and have attained the proper age, … then you may marry if you consider yourself called to the wedded state rather than to an unmarried life in the world.” (Catholic Girls’ Guide, pgs. 316-320)

He also writes about the adorning gems of virtue that should embellish a young wife: “Therefore the jaspar of maternal affection ought to shine prominently amongst the jewels that adorn the mother of a family. The same may be said of a third precious stone – the sky-blue turquoise of love of order.

“God Himself loves order. That is why He maintains that wonderful order that is observed in the universe, in all nature. For man, too, order has a powerful attraction; it contributes greatly to his comfort. It is to a great extent due to the strict order which prevails in convents, even in the most minute details, that one finds more contented and cheerful individuals there than anywhere else.

“However small and poverty-stricken a house may appear, however simple and ordinary its inmates may be, if their family life is conducted in an orderly manner, if they are regular in their habits and everything is done at the right time and in the right place, that household will be a happy one, and one will feel himself at home there despite the plain surroundings.

“But if the household over which a young wife presides, cleanliness and order do not prevail, if everything is untidy and in confusion, there is no need to inquire what sort of person the mistress of that house is: One may take it for granted that she is quite incompetent and that but little happiness will be found in that family. …

“Only think what a sense of peace and happiness must steal over the heart of the husband when, after working hard all day, he comes home at night to be greeted with his wife’s affectionate smile; when he finds his evening meal ready and everything as orderly as possible. Love of order is certainly an essential virtue in a wife.” (Catholic Girls’ Guide, pgs. 412-413)

Let all men and women considering the marriage vocation ponder the good advice of Fr. Lasance. The purpose of life is not, despite the modern myth, to fall in love and marry. The purpose of life is much more serious: To be content with one's state in life and, after the short sojourn on this earth, to find eternal happiness in Heaven.

If a man or woman seriously considers the sacrifice, effort and physical strength required in marriage, and still feels called to it, then let him or her work diligently from their youth to acquire the skills and virtues needed for that vocation.

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